DAVID ELMY
David Elmy
We Need to Talk About Heather
Hannibal Lecter, Darth Vader, Nurse Ratched, Hans Gruber, Khan, and the guy who killed Bambi’s mom.
These are some of the most vile and despicable villains to ever grace the silver screen. We love to root against them, we love to watch them get theirs. But believe me when I tell you that there is an incarnation of cinema evil so heinous and terrifying that it will give you more nightmares than Freddy Kruger, Jason Voorhees, and Michael Myers combined. And the most unsettling fact is that you don’t suspect her, you don’t see her coming.
Her brand of villainy is hidden under a charming smile and a presentable pink turtle neck sweater. She manipulates the main characters of the film and forces them to question their very existence.
Evil has a name and it's "Heather McCallister"...
It was a simple head count. An easy task for anybody, especially a student matriculating at Northwestern University. “Heather, do a head count, make sure everyone is in the van.” I cannot prove if Heather’s miscount is premeditated or a careless mistake. I do know this, her actions leave an eight year old child home alone for Christmas and send his mother down a punishing spiral of self loathing and doubt. By the end of the movie Kate McCallister calls herself a horrible mother. No Kate, you are not a horrible mother, your niece Heather is a demonic spawn of hate and apathy.
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What about that head count? Notice how Heather violently shakes the head of neighborhood annoyance Mitch Murphy. Granted Murphy should not have been rifling through a bag of someone else’s belongings but no one deserves to have their brain jumbled about like a sack of potatoes. Even if it is Mitch Murphy who is clearly disliked and is a cancer of the neighborhood. If Heather thinks it is Kevin McCallister she is shaking, who does that to an eight year old? Shaking a child can cause irreparable harms to their tiny precious brains, but why should you care Heather? Life always works out for you.
Fine, I can’t prove that Heather miscounted on purpose, but what about her actions after the fact? She takes zero ownership over her blunder; a blunder that tears a family to shreds just days before Christmas. Heather appears perfectly fine with letting Kate McCallister take on all the blame like some kind of pathetic pack animal that has to carry the heaviest load...like a burro or something of comparable size.
So the damage is done, does Heather try to set things right? Of course not, because that would be off brand for her. Heather makes ONE phone call to someone in Chicago (probably her meth dealer) in a transparent effort to “help”. Screw you Heather, the only thing worse than not helping someone in need is trying to appear that you are helping. Heather is a sociopath plain and simple.
Evidence of this is in the movie, where she can be seen in the background decorating a Christmas tree with her family in Paris while Mr. and Mrs. McCallister are having a heart wrenching conversation on the phone. Is it that easy for you to forget your poor cousin Kevin, who gorges himself on pizza and ice cream to self medicate through the pain of abandonment? ​
Harry and Marv are set up to look like the villains, but in reality they're just petty criminals who were forced into a life of crime by the recession, thank you President Bush the first. Yes, they threaten and harass a child. But when your back is up against the wall you'll find yourself doing anything to survive.​
Bravo, Heather. Your manipulations forced an eight year old to defend himself against two grown men using a glue gun and some micro machines. And if not for an old guy with a shovel Kevin McCallister would be dead!
So, how do you sleep at night Heather? Oh, that’s right, you sleep on a giant pink turtleneck sweater wrapped up in your hatred of humanity and tucked under a blanket of viciousness. My bad...I forgot.
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