DAVID ELMY

    The Summer movie blockbuster season is upon us.  Fans rejoice as the big Hollywood studios begin to release their expensive tent pole projects.  The name tent pole is misleading.  Tents make me think of camping and relaxing - taking the canoe out on the lake or hiking with loved ones through a serene forest.  What they should call these movies are “Slamming Head with Cinder Block Poles” because that is how you feel when watching them...but I digress.

 

    Undoubtedly the most successful studio is Marvel. They have cornered the market in head slamming, ear splitting, sensory overload films, and once again they are reigning supreme with Captain America: Civil War, the 81st movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

 

    How can I not go and see this film?  If the hype is to be believed this movie will be the biggest thrill ride of my life.  How do I not go and see that?  I called up my good buddy Skeevy Stan (we see all these big summer movies together), decided to have a late lunch and go and see the cinematic event of our lifetime.  I also decided to review the film in real time.  Enjoy!

 

3:06 PM - I meet my good buddy Skeevy Stan at the TGIF in Times Square.  The plan?  Have some nibbles and a few libations and then head on over to watch the greatest film since Wizard of Oz.

 

3:42 PM - Two Jack Daniels samplers have come and gone at this point, also twelve beers, eight loaded potato skins and one Tuscan Spinach dip - which was pedestrian at best.  Some people think it’s best to drink and eat slowly. Those people should keep their opinions to themselves.

 

4:09 PM -   The movie event of the millennium starts at 4:40 PM.  Skeevy Stan and I have plenty of time to indulge and enjoy each other’s company.  Stan is telling me about his new business venture, playing Iron Man in Times Square, turning autographs into money.  Nothing could possibly go wrong with that; people love being approached by costumed super heroes.

 

4:23 PM - The check has arrived and there are several discrepancies that Skeevy Stan enthusiastically points out to our server, Brandon.  Brandon recalculates but comes up with the same amount.  I tell Stan that we should pay this bill of goods and proceed to the cinema.  Stan says it's the principle of the thing and flips over our table.  A bit of an overreaction but passions can run high at the TGIF.  The friendly wait staff have now exchanged their smiles for frowny death stares.

 

4:29 PM - I’ve been running for about five blocks now.  Unsurprisingly the Tuscan Spinach dip has made me sluggish, or maybe it was the six beers.  Skeevy Stan was tackled by the TGIF wait staff about three blocks back as he screamed “Avenge me!” at maximum volume.  Clearly this means that Stan doesn’t want me to miss this movie!  Onward to the cinema!

 

4:33 PM - Whew.  Made it to the theater with minutes to spare.  The man at the box office tells me that the 4:40 PM Captain America: Civil War has only a handful of seats left.  He suggests I get tickets to the 6:05 PM viewing.  I tell the ticket clerk that this is America and I can see any movie I want.  I slam a crumpled twenty on the counter and demand a ticket.  Somewhere Captain America is smiling.

 

4:35 PM - Ah, the concession stand.  Overpriced snacks stuffed to the gills with sugar and salt.  I take my position in line and await my turn to fill my belly with a medium popcorn, medium Cherry Coke, Twizzlers, bite size Snickers, nachos, and a hot dog.

 

4:42 PM - Sweet mother of efficiency, how long am I going to wait in this forsaken line?  The Dad in front of me is letting his four year old order his own snacks.  This is excruciating as the child is not speaking with any confidence and is having trouble pronouncing snow caps (a snack with very few syllables).  "I have no time for this I!" exclaim to no one in particular.

 

4:45 PM - Red Vines instead of Twizzlers?  What is this?  An internment camp?  The concession worker stares at me blankly as I ask her this.  I collect my popcorn, cherry coke, snickers, nachos, and hot dog and head to theater number nine.

 

4:51 PM - No seats left, perhaps the box office gentleman was right.  I feel a twinge of guilt but this quickly subsides as I slink down to the front row and take a seat between two fanboys.  One has a Captain America shield, the other is sporting Hulk Hands.  "Idiot", I say to no one in particular,"the Hulk isn’t even in this movie."

 

5:02 PM - Another preview.  “This is outrageous!” I scream.  The fan boy next to me gives a loud SHUSH.  I shall bide my time before extracting my revenge for this insult.

 

5:09 PM - What is this?  Captain America: Trailer Wars?  Ridiculous.

 

5:14 PM - FINALLY!  Greatness has descended upon us, the lowly peasants in theater nine!  There is a guy with a metal arm on screen, the Winter Soldier.  “Winter Soldier?  More like Robo- Arm Solider.” I hilariously remark.  No one laughs, but fanboy shushes me again.  Shush me twice shame on you.  Shush me three times and I will make you eat those Hulk Hands.

 

5:35 PM - I ate way too fast and the popcorn, candy, nachos, and hot dog are not playing nice with the TGIF food.  There is a civil war in my stomach and whoever wins, I lose.

 

5:39 PM - I throw up on Hulk Hands.  He must have known my vengeance would be swift.  “All better!” I yell.  No one in the theater seems to care.  I am God’s lonely man.

 

5:42 PM - "No, you leave the theater!"  I shout this at the usher who is trying to escort me out.  Hulk Hands tries to grab me but he is not as strong as his hands suggest.  I easily slip out of their grips and announce to the packed theater, “Spiderman dies in the end!”  There is a chorus of boos.  I am tackled by two more ushers.  There is a chorus of cheers.

 

5:55 PM - I have to go now, the NYPD is taking statements and I have been advised of my right to remain silent.  Marvel blows.  I should have seen Batman Vs. Superman.  I am positive that will be a quality film.